Photo by Maxime Riendeau
Spanning several continents, Natasha has been thrown between deceit and intrigue which she has managed to escape unharmed. As she travels by train through deep, blanketed snow, she finds her mind turning over and over her feelings for Dmitry, the elusive spy, so much so that her head begins to ache. Reaching in her leather bag for her fountain pen and gold embossed notepad she scribbles a letter in haste to him.
Dear Dmitry,
My
love for you is neither timid nor weak, but it is bold, fierce and
enduring. When I cannot see you or be with you, I can feel it´s
strength that powers and fuels my life into action and dimensions, I
never knew could be possible. I have no desire to possess or trap you,
anymore than I would hold or trap myself. In freedom of the highest
order is where our souls unite and yet I long for your embrace, your
kiss, your physical presence together with mine. Are these just
foolish, girlish thoughts or do you and I feel the same? I do not know,
can intuition be trusted or is this some false obsession and romance?
But surely if it were such, the flames of passion would have dampened to
cinders leaving only smoke and ash so long ago. My love for you burns
brightly on, through wind & rain, through storm and fire. When I
try to hold you like the thorns upon a rose, I am pricked and pain keeps
me from reaching out to hold you once more. I know you cannot be held
or halted, any more than I wish to be held or halted. I do not, why
would I when the world holds more for both of us than staying tightly
locked in each others embrace and yet I wish to be with you, not out of
some fleeting fantasy, but out of necessity in the same way I need
myself to be strong.
This love is like an ancient sequoia forest
with trees that grow larger and more sturdy as time passes on each year
bringing surprising leaves that flourish and shelter rich and changing
life beneath, upon the forest floor. Even though I am never with you, I
feel like I am never without you. Perhaps I am you, yet the manifestation of our earthly life remains far from different, can that
be so? Perhaps, for love is not this dense matter but stretches beyond
time and space. It blends and curves and knocks me sideways when I let
it only to lift me once more from my foolish depths of self-pity to a
higher plateau, above bitterness, resentment or hate to admiration,
endurance, hope and love, true love.
I will not sign off forever
yours because you are never mine and we have no wish to be possessed or
in possession, but to be at once both together and free at least that is
my hope of what we will be. Please tell me, am I alone in these
thoughts? I cannot tell for sure, my mind wants to deny yet my heart
hurries on despite this fear. A few words of feeling would suffice and
yet as I write this I know not to expect anything as expectation leads
to disappointment. How I debate with myself so, yet not for your
entertainment or delight, but for my own reconciliation between reason
and love. Yet the two can exist side by side and perhaps can never
really be reconciled.
If I try to deny you, it's like denying
myself of my full potential, possibility and true love. When I allow
you into my heart my world grows, bigger richer and more colourful than I
have ever experienced alone. Your love enriches and is enriching.
Other people come and go in my life, but my love for you endures every
set back, every miscommunication and disappointment. It's almost as if
it is beyond emotion, landing always, after a battle or storm in rest,
peace and tranquility. To deny you would be to deny myself life.
Natasha
Natasha
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