At 16 Natasha, had shed some of the awkwardness of her early teens. At 13 after her Dad left, her mother was holding it all together. The loss compounded with all her deep emotions that came out of nowhere was sometimes too much to bear. She would sit noticeably on the table in music rehearsals after school getting ready for the musical. She would keep her colourfully padded coat on. It was an overpriced Swiss ski jacket that she had convinced her mother to get her. Her moods that centred around her absent father could be felt between them. She did not want her mum to feel guilty, but she did not how to communicate her pain. Her mother wanted to help her, but she didn't know how. This coat that was bought on that memorable trip to Switzerland, was three sizes too big on her. Natasha felt so grateful that her mother was trying to protect her from the harshness of life that was suddenly being felt at full scale. She pulled her coat that felt like a soft, warm blanket further around her. She was thankful that it was bright turquoise blue with white and pink confetti squares, a true camouflage to what she felt was the dark and murky shades of her moods. Natasha let her thick hair fall in front of her face, as they practiced the harmonies for the school musical. Music, singing, dancing and performing gave her a channel to release her deep feelings without having to truly confess what she felt inside, most of the time, she didn't know how she felt, becoming those characters, gave her a release. In her room at home, that was once her father's study she wrote stories about gangs of New York, the end of the world and death. Her hope was to try and understand her darker feelings of sadness and loss, that sometimes were in danger of enveloping her completely.
At 16 she, had found a light hearted friend, Liz who acted like a sister, introducing her to a whole new world, first of doc martin boots and baby doll dresses and later, thanks to Liz's older sister, sparkly tops, healed boots with skinny jeans and...boys. Natasha had found solace in regular visits to a pub where the girls and boys school came together to meet every Friday night. Natasha was shy, but Liz effortlessly glided from one table to another, everyone knew her because of her older sister. Luckily just Natasha's presence near Liz invited those curious young boys to talk to her and make her feel welcome. In their light hearted gaze and friendly chitter chatter of those regular meetings, Natasha felt anonymous enough to relax and shed her need to hide away. There was no need to hide, when they could not really see beyond her increasingly shining smile and silver top pulled over her slim figure. She liked the role she could play without anyone really knowing who she was inside. The weekly meetings passed breezily and Natasha felt that finally she was able to float like a butterfly in spring after a long winter. Until, he walked in.
The music and chatter suddenly subsided as Natasha turned to see him walk up the stairs to the balcony, Wills blonde hair gently fell over his forehead, parted in the middle. He greeted his friends and Natasha could not avert her gaze as he laughed easily and settled into the warmth of his friends that night. That was the beginning.
They soon became friends. His laughter was contagious. That night Natasha had stepped over her fear, knowing some of the group, she had nestled herself in between the boys at the table and joined in their lively banter. Wills watched her as she easily teased the other boys, taking tricks that she had learnt from her brother's taunting ways and held her own.
He offered her a ride home in his LandRover and she asked him to drop by sometime. It didn't take him long before he showed up on her doorstep. In the early evening, after school, in her cosy bedroom full of books, they would sit on her bed telling each other stories from school, he would make her laugh by parodying his teachers and other boys they both knew. Wills pulled faces and parodied them around her bedroom to her confused cat, who joined her on her single bed. Wills was a true performer and had Natasha in fits of giggles. At 9pm he left giving her lingering kiss in the doorway, that was both light and passionate. As Natasha gazed out the window as his LandRover left the drive and drove off into the night, her mother came in mimicking her giggling. Natasha tried her best to avert her inquisitive eyes and dashed upstairs. For the first time since her childhood she felt safe.
The next weeks and months passed quickly as late summer fell into fall. The ease in which Wills and Natasha fell into each others lives surprised everyone. They fell asleep in Wills sister's room after brisk walks on the moors, on Sunday afternoons whilst watching the latests films. Natasha would awake in Wills arms, snuggled up to him in her favourite jeans and white woollen jumper. He would kiss her forehead and she never felt safer.
As winter approached, they were doing homework together on a shared oak table at Wills house. Sat opposite her, Wills kept looking up and Natasha was starting to feel some of that awkward feeling come back. What was he looking at? She thought. Was it her jumper? She couldn't afford many new clothes since her father had left, her mother had had to pay for everything. As Natasha looked down at her jumper embarrassed, Wills had suddenly jumped up, coming to her side of the table and kissed her on the cheek, placing a tiny folded note with a red ribbon upon glued at the corner. She looked at his perfectly formed handwriting for "For Natasha" it read. He sat back down opposite her and beamed. She carefully unfolded the note as he self-consciously swept his golden hair back, for it to only fall back place of the perfectly parted curtains upon his forehead.
"Dear Natasha, never have I looked forward to Christmas so much than this time that I have with you. I love you. Love, Wills."
Natasha stared at the words disbelievingly. No one had ever showed so sincerely and clearly their love towards her. She could not lift her eyes to meet his gaze. Her world felt unreal, but it was happening, to her. Her who had been in darkness for so many years, who's father was no longer there to kiss her good night. Her who had felt too much pain for any 13, 14, 15 or 16 year old to bear. After all those years, she thought that she would never really be happy. She had convinced herself, that no one would find it their hearts to love her. That maybe she didn't deserve it, but here were the words, so plain for eyes to see, in ink, affirming that there was, a young man, sat opposite her, without shame, loving her. She gradually looked up and saw his blue eyes bright and without fear, meeting hers, burning though layers of her pain penetrating deep into her heart.
Christmas was suddenly upon them. They didn't want to leave each other's side. Natasha joined Wills' family for Christmas eve, where his jovial father and kind mother entertained guests in converted barn hall adjacent to their house with crazy indoor golf games, as they sipped gin and sherry. Wills and Natasha dutifully joined for a couple of games before escaping to snuggle with each other in front of the fire.
That night Natasha's father called to Wills' home phone. Natasha tried to tell him about her festive days, but he kept interrupting her until a monologue took over. Natasha held the phone away from her ear and Wills watched, his head held low, not wanting to intervene, but clearly seeing Natasha in pain. Finally there was a pause and Natasha carefully not to start another monologue, told him that she had to join the other guests. After the phone was down Wills didn't say a word, but drew her close and held her tight. As they lay together in their embrace, Natasha felt numb. She didn't want to feel so much hurt again, so despite Wills loving embrace her heart closed like a tight bud in winter.
In the days after Christmas and before new year, Wills tried to thaw the shard of ice that had lodged inside her heart after reconnecting with her father. He bought cookie mix and they took over the kitchen one evening, making a complete mess. Much to his sister's dismay, they used all the possible surfaces and ovens only to burn half of the cookies by making them too thin with too many chocolate chips. It didn't matter, they were in their own bubble of safe love, where they would sit on on the carpeted kitchen floor feeding each other chocolate chips and talked late into the evening, after everyone had gone to bed, about life, the universe and everything that seemed unfathomable. Their souls transcended time and space as they deeply held each others gazes trying in the fresh earnest of youth, to understand the mysteries of the universe through their love of each other.
Sensing that Wills was reaching Natasha's heart, he asked her to stay, saying that he would make up the Chesterfield sofa for her in the converted barn and he would sleep upstairs. With trepidation she allowed herself to feel safe and nodded.
In the converted Barn, took her hand and carefully pulled her onto the red leather sofa. She watched, slightly nervously, as he fetched fresh white linen sheets and puffed up pillows for her before jumping playfully onto the freshly made bed. She stood cautiously beside the red thick leather arm of the pulled out sofa. He held out his hand to her and she gently lay next to him. As they kissed, their words and ideas of metaphysics swirled around her head and reached up to the high ceiling above them, as if they were falling into another time.
"What's the time"? Natasha whispered, gently waking Wills. He glanced and squinted at his watch.
"2am". He kissed her forehead and let his head drop back onto the white pillow beside her.
Natasha looked down at her white shirt that was now a bit crumpled.
"We're fully clothed Wills" She giggled. Wills lifted his head like it was a ball of lead
"So we are" he smiled and stroked her hand.
"I think your Dad will notice if you stay here" She whispered, kissing his neck.
"You're not going to get me out of here by doing that" He smiled his sleepy eyes still closed and his voice thick and deep with sleep.
"You're right" Natasha feigned upset. "I think you should go now. I need my beauty sleep"
"You don't need it" Wills nuzzled his face and hair into her neck.
"Stop, it tickles" She giggled.
Suddenly he knelled up in bed "You're right, I should go" only to collapse sleepy back into a heap nearly on top of her.
"Ow, you're crushing me" she laughed, pretending to be hurt "Taekwondo is making you strong"
Wills knelt back up and started flexing his muscles playfully mimicking Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"Stop it" Natasha covered her eyes laughing
"What? I thought this is what girls liked" He carried on, parodying iron men towering above her.
"I mean it Wills stop it" Natasha's tone changed as she saw Wills towering above her, he didn't stop however and made more and more accentuating strong muscle moves above her "Wills! Wills! Stop! Stop!" She cried.
Suddenly he realised that she was shielding herself from him and curling up in a ball and her voice was shrill. Wills suddenly stopped and put his arms around her, but she flinched and screamed.
"Natasha! It's me". She tried to pull away from him, almost falling off the bed. He held her arm to protect her from the fall. "It's me"! His eyes where wide now but his voice was softer trying to calm her. Natasha hiding behind her arm, afraid that he was going to strike her saw him looking at her sincerely. Her frightened eyes met his. He softly touched her defensive arm and guided it away from her face. "It's me, Natasha, Wills, it's me" He looked sincerely into her eyes and carefully stroked her hair. She gradually calmed her breathing down and he held her close and as he did, the shard of ice lodged into her heart, shattered into a thousand pieces. Tears filled her eyes at the terror left her body. He rocked he gently as she calmed down. "It's ok. You're ok, you're here with me. I would never hurt you. It's OK. I'm sorry." She held him tightly and felt the last remnant of pain leave as love filled her heart once more. Not long after he kissed her softly goodnight.
"Wills, can you leave the hall light on and the door open" She whispered
"Yes. I love you. Good night" He replied
After he left, she carefully got undressed, washed her tear stained face and snuggled deep under the white, clean duvet, soon falling into a deep and peaceful sleep.
© Jessica White
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