Natasha felt a bit strange going on the school ski trip. She had left her grammar school and had started another specialist school in the arts. It was nestled in a quaint spa town with friends that helped her feel more at like herself, with her love of literature and the arts. She enjoyed skiing but she felt so different from the rest of the kids on the trip with their pop songs and jokes. It was like a life that she had left behind. Most of all, she hadn't wanted to leave Wills for a week. Life with him had been so calm and she finally felt like she was able to study again.
For so many years her mind had not been able to focus as it had been swept up in a whirlwind of emotions after her parents divorce. Liz and her had been growing apart ever since Liz teased her about her family, Natasha had felt provoked and in a sudden burst of anger, she had lashed out at Liz which sent her rolling down the stairs. It had never been intentional to hurt her, but the volatility of her emotions was hard to control, especially if provoked. She didn't realise her own strength as she was so used to feeling weak despite dance, netball, hockey and badminton after school.
In the coach on the way to Austria, the other kids were already messing around, telling jokes and listening to loud music with speakers. Natasha had to read and remember Dickens' Hard Times as well as Love Labours's Lost for her literature and theatre studies classes and she couldn't concentrate with all that noise. All she wanted to do was to read. Wills' love her in the months before her trip had helped her to find some peace of mind. Despite all that, she was longing to just get to Austria and hit the slopes without having to go through this 15 hour coach ride. Her former Maths teacher came up to her on the coach eyeing her book
"Look at you, so intellectual and grown up!" He smiled.
Natasha smiled back but felt even more out of place.
At the ski resort Natasha was put in a dorm with the other kids. She just couldn't wait to get out with her skis and feel the exhilaration of freedom.
"Natasha, you've been ski-ing before, right? You're in Scotties' group" Her former Maths teacher pointed to a muscular, but not so tall man with a dark tan and mirror reflective ski shades, smiling back at her with white sun-screened lips.
She smiled awkwardly back, hauled skis up onto her shoulder and made her way towards the group through the powder still getting used to her ski boots.
Scottie, liked to challenge the group, taking them on red and moguled slopes on the first day to see how far he could push them. Natasha could tell he was showing off a bit, but she didn't mind cause she enjoyed the challenge. Besides, having to concentrate so much on her turns and making all those moguls, meant that she wasn't so consumed by missing Wills all the time. She was focused and wanted to improve.
"What do you think to this route, Natasha"? Scottie would come over to where she was standing to show her the map. He traced the trails to show her where the red joined the blue and where they could stop for food.
"Looks good to me". Natasha answered nonchalantly, not really sure why he had to keep asking her. Others in the group had started to notice. Natasha pretended to tighten her ski boots and look off out at the view across the mountains.
On the way back from a long day on the slopes, that night all the groups stopped off in the ski bar near their hostel. Everyone was glowing and teasing each other at their white panda eyes that were even more visible in the dark. There was not enough room in the small bar and Natasha, sat with her group found that she was being forced to squash up Scottie.
"Photo! Photo" Scottie shouted to one of the teachers. Scottie gestured to the rest of the group "Come on guys squeeze in" and took that as his opportunity to put his arm around Natasha and put his cheek against hers.
Natasha could smell the beer on his breath as he spoke to the teacher taking the photograph. She hadn't been this close to someone who had been instructing her before. Why was he being so close? Natasha scolded herself for sitting too close to him, rather than getting angry at him, blushed in shame. Scottie looked at Natasha's flushed face and averted eyes and touched her hand. Natasha wanted to pull away, but she did not want to seem impolite to her instructor.
Walking back to the hostel, Scottie stayed close to her and said that he would come to the final dinner tomorrow night with the school.
On the final day on the slopes, up in the bubble car, Scottie sat so close next to Natasha on the way up to the mountain that she could smell the mix of alcohol and red bull on his breath. She turned away from the smell and tried to focus on the bright vista out the window of the car, but he was talking loudly with the rest of the group.
"As soon as we get to the top, we'll get some more red bull, then I'll see how much you lot have learnt. We'll take the red to the black and do some jumps before heading back to the red again"
Natasha could feel her body tense up knowing that familiar feeling of having to perform for someone else's pleasure.
At the top she focused her mind as she always had to do, on the task at hand whilst Scottie boasted about staying out late with his ski instructor pals.
Natasha always enjoyed moguls, luckily dancing had taught her flexibility, agility and speed to she gracefully turned allowing her knees to bend and rise as needed. One challenge down, one to go.
Scottie made the group stay at the top of the ridge, pause and observe before they had to jump off.
"It's up to you how you would like to do this." He paused and flashed a toothy grin to the group before gathering speed, jumping off the ridge and performing a hot dog in the air, spraying power at the bottom.
"Just have fun"! He shouted loudly back to the group.
Natasha ground her teeth in anticipation. Jumps were her worst. It was something about having to perform on her own. At least with the moguls everyone in the group had been too busy on concentrating getting down the mountain. It was her turn. She imagined a stage and having to jump and pirouette as she performed swan lake those many years ago. It was just like this, she told her self, but with extra props and clothes. Gathering speed she felt the ridge bump beneath her as she flew and elegantly performed a Grande Jet before landing firmly on the packed snow. As she did one ski un-lodged itself and went spinning down the hill and causing her to lose her balance so that she fell backwards landing luckily landing on her bum. She lay there in the powder with snow in her mouth and her goggles until that loud, Scottish voice again, broke the snowy silence.
"Ach..yer almost made it, Girl"! Scottie shouted out, so that everyone could hear and Natasha felt disappointment and shame rush over her.
How could she have been so stupid? Natasha thought, she should have checked the fastenings before she set off. Despite her near perfect Grand Jet jump, she felt like a failure, for not quite making it. Scottie came up to her and put his arm around her, using her disappointment in herself to strike an opportunity to comfort her.
"Yer alright lass!" Scottie's Red Bull breath was loud up close to her. Natasha just shook her head and blushed.
That night at the last dinner, Natasha hadn't wanted to sit with her school group that were taking liberties of the last night to drink even more alcohol so she had sat with a group of Germans from a boarding school that had joined them on the trip a few days earlier. She didn't want to feel out of control and she was beginning to around Scottie and the others. Scottie came and sat next to her during dinner.
"You did well today. You could make it as a skier if you want to, if you work hard and I could help you" Scottie smiled and put his hand on her leg under the wooden long table where everyone was sat.
Natasha just smiled uncomfortably, not knowing how to respond. So she just froze with his hand on leg and imagined a life of striving to be a skier. She loved ski-ing but she did she really want to spend all of the winter in the mountains. Yes it cleared her head, but she needed music, literature, the arts. Scottie was sitting ever closer to her out of politeness she did not move away.
"I'm going to get some sleep" she eventually murmured quietly.
"I'll come with you" Scottie responded. Natasha was able to throw him a look of surprise. "I mean I will see you to your room and say good night".
Natasha wanted to go alone, but she did not want to make her instructor angry. As they walked back to the dorm, Scottie put his arm around her and she froze again, but not wanting to disappoint him said nothing.
"Can I write to you?" Scottie asked. Natasha nodded solemnly.
It was the last thing that Natasha had wanted, nevertheless his authority had a certain restraining power over her. Being only 16, she had looked up to male authority figures, especially since her father had left and the only times that she had spoken to her, he seemed angry, outraged even. So always trying to be careful, never wanting to anger any male authority figure, she tried to be as agreeable as possible, even if it didn't feel right and even if it hurt her. The anticipation getting that anger directed at felt that it would be too much pain for her to bear. She thought that by keeping compliant he would not get upset, disappointed or angry at her.
In the dorm room, they were alone. She sat on the bottom bunk and Scottie sat beside her.
"I'm going to sleep now." Natasha whispered.
"Yes I know, I will tuck you in" Scottie said gently
Natasha hadn't stayed over at her father's place since he left and she had missed him coming in to see her before she slept. He missed his good night stories, where he had made up voices and whole worlds had opened up before them as they imagined legends and fairy tales. After he had gone, her mother had been working so hard to make ends meet. She would work late into the night, marking books and taking on extra private lessons to support her and her brother. She had missed how the doors in her house used to stay open and she would sometimes creep downstairs and watch the last of a nature program before her father would put her to bed with a funny story or two about trolls and unicorns.
Scottie started to lift up her top.
"I can do myself" Natasha managed to say.
"Do you think I haven't seen breasts before"? Scottie lifted up her pullover and Natasha managed to scurry under the covers. Scottie leaned in to kiss her and she could smell the wine on his breath and feel his fury tongue try and open her lips but she kept them closed.
"Goodnight" she said quietly wanting him so much to leave but afraid that if she insisted too much he would be angry. Finally, he squeezed her arm and before he left, he insisted that she wrote down her address. Natasha scribbled it obediently down only wanting him to leave.
Finally she was alone. She screwed up her eyes and turned over in a ball only wanting to be back at home in her room with her cat away, far away from him.
"A week was too long" Wills whispered, nuzzling her neck with his blonde hair.
"I'm here now" Natasha closed her eyes
"Yes and that's all that matters" Wills kissed her on her lips. Natasha had wanted to tell him about what had happened, but everything seemed right with the world now that she was back home with him and what if he got angry? She thought, what if he became disappointed with her?
A couple of weeks after the trip, The Babes came to visit. It was a rare occasion and she was only really friends with one of them. In Natasha's living room, they wanted to hear everything about the ski trip.
The babes, all thought themselves beautiful and glamorous, in reality they were neither and though their group name was always meant to be tongue in cheek, Natasha couldn't help but think that they actually believed it. Despite this, Natasha still found herself wanting to be their friends with all their popularity, it was like gaining access to a shining, happy world full of glitz and glamour that was far off from her dark moods that sometimes took her to a place where she didn't seem to return from easily.
"So what happened out there"? One of The Babes inquired
"Oh nothing much, ski-ing was fabulous though. Our instructor even made us do jumps"
"Wow, he sounds fun. What was he like?" Another Babe, interrogated.
Natasha paused remembering the smell of alcohol on Scotties' breath and that awful night back at the dorm. Natasha shook her head back in a faux confident manner.
"Oh he was cool, he even wrote me a letter" Natasha blurted out covering up her fear of the memory of him.
"Oh, how cool! You have to read it to us" The Babes encouraged her. Natasha felt strangely proud that they thought she was cool and rushed up to get the letter. Back in the living room she read it out without really thinking through what she was doing and just happy that The Babes were taking notice of her.
"Dear Natasha, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since I got back to Scotland. It's not the same here, the snow is thin and the weather grey, nothing compared to those sunny days that matched your sunny nature. I think often of that memorable last night with you and wish I could see you soon again. Have you given more thought about becoming a skier. I could help you if you worked hard. Hope to see you soon! Yours, Scottie"
"Wow he does sound cool and he likes you. So what happened that night?" The Babes were listening intently.
Natasha had been basking too much in their feigned admiration of her that she had near forgotten the terrors of that night, until then, with The Babes heavily made up eyes staring at her. Natasha suddenly realised what she had read to them, but she didn't want them to know, she was too embarrassed and ashamed, even though it was not her fault.
"Oh, that was, er, no, nothing" Natasha blushed.
It was too late, the more that she didn't say the more The Babes were able to stock up upon this ammunition. Little did Natasha know, that Camilla, one of the absent Babes had had her eye on Wills ever since she had seen Natasha with him. Camilla had seen how Wills was taking care of Natasha and Camilla used to getting everything she wanted, decided that now she wanted Wills to be hers at all costs.
That night Natasha felt sick. Her ego had got the better of her as she had tried to impress The Babes. She didn't want to always be the sad one, the shy one and they always had seemed so confident. She had thought by maybe by impressing them she would by osmosis gain their confidence, but she only felt worse. She shook her head and threw the letter into the fire. That weekend she'd be spending the day with Wills and his family and everything would be alright again.
That evening she couldn't sleep, even with her cat curled up beside her. For the rest of the week she couldn't shake that conversation away from her mind.
When the weekend finally came, she took special care with her clothes and hair and headed over to Wills as soon as she had finished her homework. knocking on the door, Wills finally opened yet his eyes didn't immediately meet hers as usual and he brushed away his hair self-consciously only to have his hair spring back into place.
"What took you so long to open"? Natasha asked smiling
"Oh...er...well I was upstairs revising, they piled it on this week" he said glumly
"Ah, and there I got worried that you were avoiding me" Natasha went to embrace him, but he just patted her on her back instead of opening his arms to her. Natasha looked up to eyes that refused to meet hers.
"Erm, Natasha, look, I have a lot on this weekend, do you think we can maybe meet next weekend. you can stay for a bit now if you like, but I think I have to work." Wills stared at his socks.
"Oh, right yeah sure. I mean, I have a Brecht play that I have to study too, so don't worry about it, I have to try and understand the "Verfremdungseffekt" and how it helps us to critically think about social conditions, instead of fully identifying with the characters......" Natasha trailed off until seeing that Wills was not his usual smiling and attentive self and was playing with the door handle.
This was the first time, he hadn't been interested in what she was talking about. Wills was training to be an engineer and he would show her his perfectly drafted drawings of pivots and pulleys, that led to even more extensive larger plans. Even though Natasha was in a different field, she loved how Wills was able to discuss his ideas and make them become reality on a practical level. Whereas Wills had loved listening to Natasha dissect films that they would watch together by mis-en-scene and a genre. Though their knowledge came from different fields, it was these exchanges that always felt so enlivening, both had always wanted to learn from each other. Natasha stopped this time however, feeling like she was talking not to Wills, but to a stone wall.
"Um, well, I'm gonna head home now" Natasha suggested "You have plenty of work. I'll see you next week, OK?"
Wills nodded, his head still down, he managed to look up and glance into her eyes. Natasha noticed a heaviness that she had not seen before. Wills eyes had always been as bright as before when they had met hers. She went to kiss him on his lips and he pulled sideways so that she caught his cheek.
"Right, well, um, see you next week then." Natasha walked off slowly, as she turned back to Wills he had gone and already shut the door behind her back.
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