Dancing in The Storm

Photo by Maxime Riendeau  

Spanning several continents, Natasha has been thrown between deceit and intrigue which she has managed to escape unharmed.  As she travels by train through deep, blanketed snow, she finds her mind turning over and over her feelings for Dmitry, the elusive spy, so much so that her head begins to ache.  Reaching in her leather bag for her fountain pen and gold embossed notepad she scribbles a letter in haste to him.

Dear Dmitry,

My love for you is neither timid nor weak, but it is bold, fierce and enduring.  When I cannot see you or be with you, I can feel it´s strength that powers and fuels my life into action and dimensions, I never knew could be possible.  I have no desire to possess or trap you, anymore than I would hold or trap myself.  In freedom of the highest order is where our souls unite and yet I long for your embrace, your kiss, your physical presence together with mine.  Are these just foolish, girlish thoughts or do you and I feel the same?  I do not know, can intuition be trusted or is this some false obsession and romance?  But surely if it were such, the flames of passion would have dampened to cinders leaving only smoke and ash so long ago.  My love for you burns brightly on, through wind & rain, through storm and fire.  When I try to hold you like the thorns upon a rose, I am pricked and pain keeps me from reaching out to hold you once more.  I know you cannot be held or halted, any more than I wish to be held or halted.  I do not, why would I when the world holds more for both of us than staying tightly locked in each others embrace and yet I wish to be with you, not out of some fleeting fantasy, but out of necessity in the same way I need myself to be strong.

This love is like an ancient sequoia forest with trees that grow larger and more sturdy as time passes on each year bringing surprising leaves that flourish and shelter rich and changing life beneath, upon the forest floor. Even though I am never with you, I feel like I am never without you.   Perhaps I am you, yet the manifestation of our earthly life remains far from different, can that be so?  Perhaps, for love is not this dense matter but stretches beyond time and space.  It blends and curves and knocks me sideways when I let it only to lift me once more from my foolish depths of self-pity to a higher plateau, above bitterness, resentment or hate to admiration, endurance, hope and love, true love.

I will not sign off forever yours because you are never mine and we have no wish to be possessed or in possession, but to be at once both together and free at least that is my hope of what we will be.  Please tell me, am I alone in these thoughts? I cannot tell for sure, my mind wants to deny yet my heart hurries on despite this fear.  A few words of feeling would suffice and yet as I write this I know not to expect anything as expectation leads to disappointment.  How I debate with myself so, yet not for your entertainment or delight, but for my own reconciliation between reason and love.  Yet the two can exist side by side and perhaps can never really be reconciled.

If I try to deny you, it's like denying myself of my full potential, possibility and true love.  When I allow you into my heart my world grows, bigger richer and more colourful than I have ever experienced alone.  Your love enriches and is enriching.  Other people come and go in my life, but my love for you endures every set back, every miscommunication and disappointment.  It's almost as if it is beyond emotion, landing always, after a battle or storm in rest, peace and tranquility.  To deny you would be to deny myself life.